Marauding Horde of Bikers Hurt and Insulted by Small Town’s Reaction

Hurt feelings and bruised egos were the general response after this year’s AM-JAM motorcycle festival in Cobleskill, NY. The group’s reception was so unfavorable that the head of the American Motorcycle Jamboree (known as AM-JAM) threatened to consider alternative locations for 2009 if Village officials didn’t get their act together. AM-JAM cited shortages of methamphetamines, women to rape and gunplay involving automatic weapons as some of their major complaints. They then pointed to the presence of law enforcement officers, something they found to be outrageous and unacceptable. The lack of opportunities for criminal activities combined with the police presence left the normally hard-living, nomadic bikers feeling unwanted, unwelcome and emotionally drained.

One biker, going by the name of “Bonebreaker”, had been planning a fun-filled weekend of violent gunplay and armed robbery for nearly six months, but was unable to get his multiple assault rifles past a State Trooper checkpoint.

The indignities continued, such as when “Lone Wolf” arrived late, only to find that there was no speed left, and that he would have to rely on cheap beer to get a buzz. Lone Wolf couldn’t help but wonder how many mobile meth labs were scared away by Cobleskill’s police- state atmosphere.

Many Am-Jammers were shocked and disappointed by the Village’s newly instituted policy of charging fairgrounds users for municipal water usage. This forced AM-JAM to cut in half the number of wet t-shirt contests they were able to hold. This in turn left the biker gangs with fewer local high school girls to pass around.

Many bikers sat and reminisced about AM-JAM’s of the past. One biker, “Hambone”, remembers the way things used to be in Cobleskill. In fact, he received his first tear-drop tattoo at AM-JAM thirty years ago after committing his first homicide. But this year Hambone was crying real tears when he saw what AM-JAM had become.

The tales of woe just go on and on: confiscated knives, interrupted rapes, dirty looks for urinating in public, etc. Hambone freely admits that bikers are used to people holding negative stereotypes about them, but then pauses to wipe a tear from his eye and say’s “that doesn’t mean we have to like it”.

Editorial: Wind Turbines could Spoil Views of Drilling Rigs

At first I was a supporter of wind power in Schoharie County, New York. However, after finding out that Schoharie County might soon be home to breathtakingly stunning views of natural gas drilling rigs including large derricks, pumping and drilling equipment and storage tanks, I’ve realized that we can not jeopardize these precious environmental assets by erecting wind turbines. I’ve seen natural gas drilling fields before, and believe me, nothing recharges the soul like the fresh air that wafts off a ‘drilling mud’ pit.

You might think that we could do both, but you’d be wrong. Natural gas drilling simply can not exist side by side with wind power. Wind turbines are often two or three times as tall as the drilling rigs that majestically ‘fracture’ underground rock formations flaring gasses into the atmosphere and leaking heavy metals into the groundwater. These busy little derricks would be dwarfed by the monstrous wind turbines. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anything getting in the way of my views of drilling platforms and bermed pools of toxic mud waste. That’s just not why I came to Schoharie County.

But wind turbine development could also pose other more serious environmental threats to natural gas drilling operations. For example, natural gas drilling requires the use of high-pressure ‘fracturing fluids’ such as diesel, acids and heavy metals. These fluids may enter into groundwater used for drinking and bathing. How can I enjoy sitting out on my back porch looking out at a natural gas derrick, sipping water contaminated with acids and heavy metals when there are giant wind turbines off in the distance to distract me?

Then there’s the air quality issue. Natural gas drilling inevitably results in the release of numerous toxic chemicals into the atmosphere such as hydrogen sulfides, nitrogen oxides, heavy metals, and sulfur dioxides. In areas with heavy natural gas drilling, these pollutants can result in ozone levels well beyond the danger threshold level of 50-60 parts per billion. In other words, it creates pretty smog. It may be possible that with this level of smog, we might not be able to see the wind turbines, but what if we can, and what if they take away from the pretty sunsets?

Clearly, wind turbines are not the “green” solution that their supporters claim they are. In my opinion, Schoharie County simply can not afford to build wind turbines when of our best assets is the natural landscape, which will soon be enhanced by drilling rigs, derricks, diesel-flavored groundwater and exotic multi-colored smog.

Big Box Retailer Cancels New Store Plans: Say’s Town Not worth Destroying

After years of driving smaller competitors out of business and leaving downtown business districts unviable, the retail giant Lowe’s has recently noticed a new phenomenon that threatens to suck the joy out of their economic success.

For years the retailer watched triumphantly as its aggressive advertising and sheer size caused mom & pop businesses to lose everything and main streets to dry up. However, in recent years the retailer has found itself face to face with perhaps its biggest challenge yet: small towns so defunct and pathetic that they aren't even worth ruining.

Recently, Lowe’s officials came to Cobleskill, NY and toured the Downtown area. After seeing numerous empty storefronts, hollowed-out buildings and boarded-up windows, Lowe’s officials simply came to the conclusion that there probably wasn’t very much left that they could do to Cobleskill.

For three years, Lowe’s officials watched with disgust and pity as Cobleskill Village officials withheld water and sewer services in the futile hope of sparing their pathetic little town from being economically raped and pillaged. Lowe’s officials admitted that at first they got a sadistic pleasure out of watching the Village put up a pointless fight for its survival. But as any bully knows, you can only mercilessly pummel a victim for so long until you just begin to feel bad for them.

After three years of studying the matter, Lowe’s simply came to the conclusion that Cobleskill was just so weak, helpless and pathetic that it took all the fun out of ruining what’s left of the local economy.

Aliens, Men who Shot JFK ask Village to Reinstate Water Fluoridation

A top-secret delegation consisting of extra-terrestrials as well as the men responsible for the Kennedy assassination arrived in Cobleskill, NY this week for a top-secret parlay with Cobleskill Village officials. The delegation made the long trip from their base at Area 51 in a sleek and silent black helicopter. Once in town, the group attempted to convince the Village Board to reinstate fluoridation of the Village water supply.

Brushing aside reports alleging negative health effects, the group forcefully explained that water fluoridation was crucial to implementing the “new world order” in a timely manner. Several village officials protested, claiming that fluoridation is an unnecessary practice with few public health benefits. The delegation quickly shot back, explaining that fluoride was necessary to lower IQs and keep the public docile during construction of the NAFTA Superhighway between the U.S., Canada and Mexico.

However, after nearly three hours of debating with what they called a “do-nothing” Village Board, the delegation walked out extremely frustrated, leaving plans for future world domination in the air. Adding insult to injury, the group said that it was no longer considering Cobleskill as a potential site for faking future Moon landings.