Big Box Retailer Cancels New Store Plans: Say’s Town Not worth Destroying

After years of driving smaller competitors out of business and leaving downtown business districts unviable, the retail giant Lowe’s has recently noticed a new phenomenon that threatens to suck the joy out of their economic success.

For years the retailer watched triumphantly as its aggressive advertising and sheer size caused mom & pop businesses to lose everything and main streets to dry up. However, in recent years the retailer has found itself face to face with perhaps its biggest challenge yet: small towns so defunct and pathetic that they aren't even worth ruining.

Recently, Lowe’s officials came to Cobleskill, NY and toured the Downtown area. After seeing numerous empty storefronts, hollowed-out buildings and boarded-up windows, Lowe’s officials simply came to the conclusion that there probably wasn’t very much left that they could do to Cobleskill.

For three years, Lowe’s officials watched with disgust and pity as Cobleskill Village officials withheld water and sewer services in the futile hope of sparing their pathetic little town from being economically raped and pillaged. Lowe’s officials admitted that at first they got a sadistic pleasure out of watching the Village put up a pointless fight for its survival. But as any bully knows, you can only mercilessly pummel a victim for so long until you just begin to feel bad for them.

After three years of studying the matter, Lowe’s simply came to the conclusion that Cobleskill was just so weak, helpless and pathetic that it took all the fun out of ruining what’s left of the local economy.