Monday, November 26, 2007

Your Official Guide to Illegal Dumping

Are you tired of The Man telling what you can and can’t throw away and what kind of garbage bags to use? Well don’t just shrug your shoulders and toe the line like everyone else. Stand up to The Man and make a statement by illegally dumping your trash around town!

By now you know the problems Cobleskill Village residents have been having lately. You put out a bag of garbage or two expecting it to be gone the next morning, only to see that it’s been torn open, inspected and left behind because it contains cat litter or too many aluminum cans or god knows what. But don’t worry, there’s a solution to this problem: simply leave your trash somewhere else and make it someone else’s problem.

Here’s what you do. Wait until it’s late at night, gather up your trash and take a ride on down to town. Drive slowly down one of the side streets (Division, Union, etc.). When you are certain that nobody is watching you, have someone quickly throw the bags out the back door of the car and then drive off.

However, if you’re too shy to dump your trash Downtown, you can always find a secluded area somewhere. Some good places that come to mind include the area by the railroad tracks by the fairgrounds, or at the end of one of the side streets off MacArthur Ave. I would suggest simply leaving your garbage anywhere on the street. However, putting the garbage in a business’s private dumpster is fine too. Some dumpsters may have locks, but most don’t. Be discrete if you choose this option. Make sure to keep your bag out of the view of the business proprietors in case they happen to be watching.

Of course you’ll want to make sure that there is no incriminating evidence in the garbage bags such as any mail with your name or address on it.

By now you’re probably wondering: “okay that explains what to do with the bagged garbage, but what about that old TV or air conditioner that the garbage men didn’t take”?

Well, this is easy. Simply bring the bulk item in question to one of the county’s many unofficial garbage dumps off rural roads. These areas are not “official” dumps but they have nonetheless been used as dumps by residents for decades. Find a desolate rural road, preferably at the top of a ravine; this way when you dump the stuff it will at least fall out of view somewhat. It’s probably better to find a location that has already been used as a dump, this way it will attract less attention to your specific garbage. However, feel free to start a new dump if you want.

Certain specific items lend themselves well to particular methods of disposal and you should keep these in mind. For example, old tires can simply be rolled down any hill. Old computers and other electronic equipment can simply be dropped off at a local repair business. Just give them a fake name and phone number and never come back for it. It’s their problem now! You should be able to use this method for large appliances as well. For the financially savvy illegal dumpers, it may be possible to pawn off certain items on the local charity/thrift store. Old mattresses, couches, refrigerators and washing machines can simply be donated (on the pretense that they work and are salable, of course) for a potential tax credit. However, let’s not put the cart before the horse. For the time being, simply focus on getting rid of your garbage and not getting caught.

So there you have it. You no longer need to stand idly by and watch the garbage men tear apart and rifle through your family’s garbage. This is just one more way for The Man to break your spirit and run you down. Now YOU can choose your garbage’s destiny. Dumping our refuse whenever and wherever we please is our god-given right as Americans!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Way to go numbnuts!! now every sloughter has a primer from a left wing, tree hugging, terra passing liberal whack job.